So I’ve been official with the boyfriend for almost 6 months now, boy has time flown. We’ve had our share of good days and bad days but in spite of it I’ve held on and enjoyed the ride. I hate being a quitter so I’ve been trying to work through whatever issues we may have.
Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been starting to have doubts regarding our relationship. Not that I haven’t known this all along, but we are two very, very different people. At first, I accepted it as a challenge with the mindset that I’ve dated enough guys who were more of my caliber but things hadn’t worked out so it was time to finally take a walk outside of my comfort zone and explore other options.
While, I think he’s a great guy and I love the fact that he’s willing to do anything for me, he reminds me a lot of my ex from grad school in that manner. People always talked about how perfect we were together, I just knew the gifts from Tiffany’s and the trips wouldn’t make me happy (although I love being spoiled). Now, I don’t get any of that. The dates are few and far between, our personalities conflict at times, and I just don’t know if I can see myself married to him forever. I did for a while but forever is a long time and I would hate to make a bad decision.
Things like him not saying “bless you” when I sneeze, when I want to talk about what was discussed at a meeting, or how he never wants to have a substantial conversation about what’s going on in the world is starting to bother me.
Recently, one of my girlfriends made it a point to tell me “You don’t seem excited when talking about him.” While I’m not usually one who gushes over being with someone, I think she had a point. It made me wonder, maybe the reason I’m not “excited” is because I’ve been internally doubting “us” and our relationship.
Part of me wonders if I’m having doubts because I’m scared about the possibility of marrying someone/anyone, even though I’ve wanted to be married for at least the last 7 years of my life (I always thought I’d be married by 24) or if I’m genuinely worried that I don’t think that things could work out between us in the long run. Right now, I’m in somewhat a state of confusion. While I don’t think of my current relationship as settling (which I’m dead set against) I wonder if part of me is just willing to accept him because I’ve realized there is no perfect man which has allowed me to become more tolerant of flaws I would never had accepted when I was younger.
Seriously, I’m at the point where all that keeps playing in my head is “you’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when fold’em.” I’m torn.
I think you already know what your decision is, now it’s all about doing what you have to do.
I agree with Tomeka. It seems like because your previous relationships didn’t work out to your liking (marriage), you didn’t trust your initial instincts when it came to dude. As I recall, you were conflicted and defensive when it was mentioned that the issues you were concerned with on day one would stay issues. BTW, that last sentence in your fourth paragraph, I have been there and I’m there now. Wanna start a support group? I’ll bring the wine!
Whether you stay or go, you’ll be just fine. If you stay, just enjoy the parts of him that you like. If you leave, eh, big deal… you’ll meet another guy in like two seconds. It may not seem that way, but you will.
Best to ya!
-Victoria
Sometimes opposites do attract and it works out, but often the differences are by far too much and the relationship does not stand a chance. You are having doubts to even write an article like this. You already have the answers, it is just now a matter of time and knowing when to end it!
Firstly I stumbled across your blog and i love it! As someone else said it sounds like you know this isn’t the type of long term relationship you want. The things that you describe as bothersome can become a real problem. Can you see yourself marrying someone that doesn’t want to talk about the events of your day or couldn’t care less about discussing world views? My advice is make a list of the “cons” in your relationship and ask yourself can you accept.
My first time visiting your blog and already, I’m posting a comment. I feel like some sections of what you wrote were stolen from my mind and if I was on some type of controlled substance, would think you were my sister from another month.
It’s been 6 months for my relationship as well and though mine has a bit of a sticking point like no other, I feel you on what you mentioned. My boyfriend is so wrapped trying to figure out his next career move or way to make more money, he doesn’t pay attention to current events – especially not the news. He also doesn’t like to read, major pet peeve of mine. In fact, I’ve mentioned to him that I wished he would read books more because browsing things on the Iphone do NOT count.
What’s even funnier? I’ve sneezed a few times and waited…waited, waited for the bless you. Seems trivial and contrite to some, but these things add up.
Sigh.
My suggestion? The opposite of what someone suggested – that you write down a list of all of the cons. Why not write down all of the pros? Something attracted you to this man in the first place AND something even bigger allowed you to agree to being in a relationship with him even once you started noticing things about him you really didn’t care for.
Start there, list the positives. Have you two talked about future plans? Girlfriend, there’s so much to think about and you posting your concerns and doubts on your blog is EXACTLY what blogging is all about. You’re not necessarily soliciting advise from readers but expressing your feelings because unless I missed a line you sure as hell didn’t end your post with “What do you think I should do”.
Carmen ~
Hello Carmen,
I’m the person that suggested listing the “cons”.. I want to share my reasoning. When thinking long term, its much easier to survive through the good times but its those “cons” that can ruin a relationship. I’m not suggesting she forget or ignore the positives, however we have to be realistic in relationships. While “focusing on the positive” seems like the politically correct thing to say, wouldn’t it be better to be realistic and deal with the issues that are present. I would hate for her to just keep “focusing on the positive” until one day a sneeze goes unblessed for the 1,000th time and she rips him a new one. If she were to make a list of the “cons” then she will have a better chance of repair because she will have identified the issues before they get to a breaking point.
@Share My Sonshine, I appreciate the follow up on what you wrote and yes, there’s some validity to what you pointed out.
I say the pros is a good starting point but really, would bring up things to my significant other than either bother me or would like to change. My first question would be does this man even know what her peeves and potential deal breakers are?
It’s worth a shot to look at the positives and go from there.
My two cents.
Yes! He is not perfect but who is. It’s about the little things boyfriends/girlfriends do for you! If you are not happy then yes, its time to leave. Victoria said, “you’ll meet another guy in like two seconds.” Maybe so, but will that person respect you, will that person stop doing somethings for you that are important to you. Will you miss that person as soon as they leave your side? I don’t know who you are dating now but remember, Once an azz, Always an Azz. Looking for another date, here is an easy way! Check out my blog wheretogetadate.wordpress.com
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